Grief and Loss

All children and teens in foster care have experienced profound losses. Every new loss reminds them of previous losses. When one has lost parents, siblings and everything that is familiar it is normal to grieve. When each day brings new losses; placement changes, changes in school, new housemates, a change in social worker, it is natural to revisit the first loss and again experience the grief , however children in foster care are not often supported in the work of grief.

Telling the story,

Having someone normalize the feelings you are experiencing,

Having someone to attend to the normal stages of grief;

Denial, (I am going home and don’t need to engage with the new caregivers,)

Anger (often a feeling that is responded to negatively by caregivers,)

Bargaining, (if I am really good I can go home,)

Depression, (often not a symptom that is acknowledged in small children,) and ultimately, with support,

Acceptance.

As a CASA, the greatest gift you can give a grieving child or youth is to truly and actively listen. You can also normalize what is going on for the child by letting them know that the feelings they are experiencing are legitimate. Often, by labeling what a child or youth is experiencing with the other adults, you can help them be empathic and responsive rather than reactive. “I think he must be grieving,” after yet another placement change, can reframe an angry response as a normal grief process, rather than an “oppositional, defiant, disorder!”  

Children and Grief 2008  American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Facts for Families, a good overview of grief and loss in children and families.

The Effects of Grief and Loss on Children in Foster Care 2001  A short article about the effects of grief and loss on children in foster care by Selena Berrier.

Loss and Grief for Children in Foster Care 2005  Good workshop notes and training tools for understanding grief and loss for people working with foster youth – Australian.

 Listening Skills  An article about listening skills – Canadian.

Hello Giref
Simply by virtue of coming into foster care, every child or youth-andhis/her family is experiencing grief and loss. Often what can be a “normal” response to grief is treated by the professionals as a much more serious mental health issue. One of the biggest gifts you can give to a child is to understand what grief looks like from a child develoment perspective and to normalize the child’s behavior and feelings for the rest of the team. Most of all you can give the gift of taking the time to truly and authentically listen to a child. For a child telling the story of what was lost, from their perspective, can be one of the most healing interventions they can receive.  This website has resources for understanding children, youth,  grief and loss.

Jamie Lee Evans Speech
To view a firsthand account of what it was like for one child who ended up in foster care, read this compelling speech.